Imposter Syndrome

I want to start this post by saying that I don't know a single author who doesn't suffer from this at some point in the book writing process. For some of us, it comes after we have written the first draft and are deep in the throes of editing. For others, it is something we live with constantly. And it's not just new authors, or those who are self-published, or who haven't written prize-winning books, who are affected. Even big name authors suffer from it.

John Steinbeck, author of the classic 'The Grapes of Wrath', wrote in his journal, "My many weaknesses are beginning to show their heads... I'm not a writer. I've been fooling myself and other people." Similary, Maya Angelou, another writer almost universally acknowledged as a 'great' and whose book 'I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings' regularly appears alongside 'The Grapes Of Wrath' on lists of 'must read' books. She said, "I have written 11 books, but each time I think, 'uh oh, they're going to find out now. I've run a game on everybody, and they're going to find me out.'"

This phenomenon is clearly not uncommon and affects many creative people, but it seems writers are particularly susceptible to it. There are many posisble reasons suggested for this, including the idea that because we spend so much time inhabiting the minds of our characters, our own sense of self is somehow eroded. I'm not sure I fully buy this idea, although I do acknowledge that I get caught up in the emotional trauma of my characters and it does take me a little while to 'get back in the real world' when I stop writing for the day.

Part of the problem comes from the fact that as far as writing goes, there is very little by which to objectively judge it. Once you discount the mechanics of spelling, punctuation and grammar, most judgements about the quality of writing are highly subjective, and even more so when it comes to pleasing readers. I absolutely loved Bernadine Evaristo's 'Girl, Woman, Other' because of the complex, interwoven storylines and was in awe of how she had managed to keep all the different threads separate, but connected. However, some of our book group hated it because it was too complicated.

Similarly, I was not a fan of 'Verity' by Colleen Hoover, finding the plot far-fetched and unrealistic, while others in the group loved it as an easy-read thriller. These two are just a couple of examples from a very small sample of readers; this is before you get to the competitions and book awards. It is, of course, a thrill to get shortlisted, let alone win one, but does it automatically follow that if your entry doesn't make the hallowed list, that it is automatically rubbish, and should never again see the light of day? Of course it doesn't! All it means is that it's not what the judges were looking for on that one particular day.

The trouble is, imposter syndrome is clever and you never know when it's going to strike, or what form it will take. However, if you are lucky enough to have good writer friends around you, they will often identify it before you do. This happened to me recently. Since February 2022, I have published 7 novels, 3 short story/poetry collections and 3 picture books. However, I've had another novel ready for a final edit since 2021, but haven't done anything to get it ready for publication. Instead, I have sporadically entered it into competitions and toyed with the idea of sending it to literary agents, or indie presses. I was discussing this with a fellow author recently and she asked me why I hadn't published it myself. I explained my thinking and she just looked at me and smiled. 'But why do you feel the need to have another company publish it? They won't do anything different to what you would do if you published it through Castle Priory Press.' This is an author whose opinion I respect and whose judgement I trust, and I found myself expanding on my answer. The bottom line is simply this; by pubishing through my own company, it somehow feels as though I am cheating. When other people send us their books, we assess both their quality and suitability - there is an external judgment made. Although the same rigour is always applied to our own books, it doesn't feel quite as legitimate. When my friend had finished laughing, she pointed out, quite rightly, that I was being ridiculous. People outside my friends and family have read my books and enjoyed them - lots who read 'Folly' went on to read 'The Mermaid' and 'Silver Darling' because they were intrigued and wanted to know how the story ended. Unless you have made them care about the characters, readers don't do that!

What was really at the heart of my dilemma was my need for validation. I did my Masters because I needed to know officially that my writing was good; I needed the piece of paper for my own peace of mind. Signing a piece of paper to hand my novel over to someone else is the same principle - they are acknowledging that my writing is good enough to publish. However, that conversation made me realise it I was looking at it all wrong - the only people I really need validation from are my readers. As long as they enjoy my books and keep coming back to buy more, does it really matter which publishing company logo is on the spine? Perhaps, instead of feeling like a fraud, I should be revelling in the fact I decided to take full control over my own writing and forge my own path. I take pride in the professionalism of what we produce, so why am I not feeling the same level of pride in my own work?

Deep down, I know my writing is good. It's never going to win the Booker Prize - I write entirely the wrong kind of book for that - but I do create stories that people want to read and, at the end of the day, isn't that what every writer aspires to do? I don't know anyone who writes with an eye on what prizes they might win. We just write the kind of books we want to read.