Guest Blog: mj - “Preparing to configure”: resetting myself to write again

I went into panic mode Friday night when I opened Ruth’s email politely reminding me to forward my guest blog contribution by next Thursday. How could I have forgotten? I check my desk, the space purposely designated for my creativity. Pinned to my notice board, hidden beneath a postcard of the Island of Sark from my friend Sally and a used expired train ticket to Biggleswade I revealed a sheet of paper covered in my familiar scrawl. Without reading I assumed these must be the ideas jotted down months ago for the blog still patiently waiting to be pieced together and emailed on.

Aah. That’s where it went!

My next task is to make myself a drink, a nice cup of tea in my favourite mug, maybe with a biscuit or two to dunk that would be nice. I put the washing machine on spin whilst the kettle boils and stand at the backdoor watching my dog nose boop a butterfly off the nigella growing in a tub in the backyard. I step into the garden and wander through the stalks of ornamental poppy heads and pass the tall spikey balls of Sea Holly swaying under the weight of buzzing bees. Minutes later I am bought back to the kitchen by the harsh whistle of the kettle.

I am now siting at my desk with the laptop on, taking a sip of tea. On the screen a message appears “Preparing to configure Windows. Do not turn off your computer.” I dunk a custard cream watching the twirling circle as the system installs updates. I am starting to feel a mixture of boredom and frustration as my fingers brush  over a row of notebooks of various colours and sizes. I pull out the small green one and randomly flick through the pages stopping at a poem, ‘The Ghost Bride’ written in April whilst on a workshop in St Oysth – it requires a few little tweaks and lines  to be juggled around to complete the creative process.

I pick up a pencil.

An hour passes and I stand up stretching my arms above my head, and go back into the kitchen to make another cup of tea. My dog follows, her nose gently nudging the back of my leg in case I forget to share a biscuit with her. I feel a wave of satisfaction and enjoyment from spending time completing this poem, my dog senses my excitement and I give her a fuss.  As I remove the teabag I ponder on the reasons why I have let my daily routine of writing each morning slide.

The last few months have been difficult. I won’t dwell on the how’s and whys, except to say what normally brings me happiness and enjoyment is causing my anxieties to increase. I needed to take a step-back from things, dropping my usual routines and commitments including sitting at my desk and creating poems and short stories.

Back to what I thought were ideas jotted down in readiness for this blog, they are in fact notes on living mindfully from when I participated on Poets-IN Creative Mental Health Programme* using poetry to work on well-being, mindfulness and selfcare. During this six week workshop I  wrote the poem  ‘I want to be a Super hero’ which is included in my book Splinters in my Brain.

I read through these notes, words jumping out reminding me to think of my qualities and strengths not just my weaknesses and failures, learning to say no and not feel guilty, being kinder to myself and stop beating myself up, doing things however silly or insignificant that make me feel happy, reconnecting with others at my own pace, and that self-care is not an act of selfishness. Most importantly I read the short letter I wrote to myself which begins “Dear me, I love you…” something I needed to read today to help me recover from this blip which has prevented me from writing for many weeks.

Ruth’s email has been a well-timed reminder to me that perhaps I am ready to reinstall my daily routine of writing, not just to produce work for others to read or hear but more importantly for my own well-being. Personally writing has always been a cathartic tool, using words as weapons to purge demons from my past and create expressive stories in a productive and vivid manner. I am looking back at my computer screen, the message has gone now and I am staring at a photograph of a Pangolin (my screen saver image for today) a resilient but fragile creature. Initially had I felt quite daunted at the prospect of sitting down to write this blog, but I believe in coincidences and things happening for a reason, and today I have had the opportunity to rediscover why I enjoy composing poems and being a storyteller. The time spent waiting for my laptop to configure hasn’t been wasted, it has given me a chance to participate in something I enjoy and reset my own thoughts and feel motivated to continue writing.

If you have read this far thank you. I find joy motivating others to write and I hope you feel inspired to sit and write something, if not today maybe tomorrow.

mj x

speakup823@gmail.com

Poets-IN Creative Mental Health Programme was run in collaboration with Herts Viewpoint 2023 www.poetsIN.com  www.hertsviewpoint.co.uk

Mary-Jane Ng aka mj is a writer, abstract artist and performance poet who often describes herself as a beachcomber and custodian of words. She uses both the written and spoken word to express and describe personal experiences. A survivor of domestic abuse and someone who faces mental health issues daily, she hopes others will feel supported and encouraged to write and speak up about their own experiences.

Her book of poems Splinters in my Brain is available through Castle Priory Press, Amazon, and from The Dragon’s Nest, Pens and Dragons CIC, 22H Marshes Yard, Brightlingsea.